All I ever wanted was for you to show that you cared-that you gave a fuck. As it seems, it's too much to ask for, at this point, all the talking that could have been done is done. I've talked about this so much that I no longer want to anymore, that I no longer care whether you want me or not. In the beginning, everything was so amazing, then, slowly, everything began to fall apart, everything began to slowly crumble, and all I could possibly do was stand there; helpless and unable to do anything to re-build what we had built. It hurts more than words can express, I haven't eaten properly in about a week and when I'm with my squad, I put on that practiced smile and act like it's all okay and dandy. They've all heard about it, truth be told, almost every single person in my life has told me the same damn thing: to leave.

Yet as it seems and as hard as it is to swallow and accept, I can't. I can't because I know that deep inside, you won't give a fuck, it won't phase you. In reality as it seems at this very, crystal clear, haunting moment, I don't mean shit to you. Your pride is your downfall, always has been, always will be. Your narrow minded perspective on life will be your downfall, you don't see things the way I do, and you don't care to. I tell you I'm uncomfortable with something but no matter how I try and put it, my efforts are futile. I took this thing so seriously, I wanted this to work out so fucking badly. I told my world about you, I told everybody about you cuz to me, you were everything that I ever wanted. But you? You didn't want to tell anybody about me, you didn't want anybody about me, because if that was the case and you did, then you would only look bad and lose face if we were to ever split. Smart, leave me to get fucked over, let me invest my all and do everything I could so in the end, I were be shattered. I've been through too much pain in my life, and I'm not at a place in life where I can bear to deal with this kind of pain. This isn't fair to me, why the fuck can you not just see things from my perspective, what the fuck changed, did you find out something about me that I never told you? Did you find another guy that makes you more happy than me? What the fuck is it? I've cried oh, so many times over this-yes, cried. And I'm so tired of the tears cuz they don't ever make anything better, they don't ever make me feel at ease because at the end of the day, the same reality still exists, that you don't fucking get it. That no matter what I do, you don't show your true appreciation. I had so much planned, so much that I wanted to do with you and for you, yet nowadays when I talk about it, it isn't even your realist side that comes out, you say things that cut me deep, remind me of how I'm unemployed so dreaming of doing something is simply stupid.

I'm done....

This is for the fellas who were down for the grind, no matter how tough; the ones who took on the world with the weight of mountains on their shoulders only to be told that they weren't good enough. The ones who put aside time with the boys at the drop of hat when she needed us to be there, this one's for us. The ones who didn't even care to sleep with her because being in her company, her presence was more than enough. The ones who never cared whether or not she had make up because in our eyes, she was the most beautiful thing in the world. We would wake up next to her and when we watched her sleeping oh, so peacefully, felt this peace come over us; one that we never knew we could feel.

Here's to the fellas who found the capacity to sacrifice things we never thought we could, the fellas who stood by her when she fell and knelt down to pick her up because we knew she didn't have the strength to do so herself-this one's for them.

The ones who gave her our jackets or hoodies when it was cold and watched as she softened to the thought even she was against the idea only a moment ago. The ones who saw her as precious and not an object of pleasure, we would stay on the phone at night talking or listening till they had said all they needed to say and felt better, we would comfort them and stay on the phone till the gentle sounds of slumber which brought thin smiles to our faces could be heard. Yet even after it all, our world was shattered when she spoke the words we never thought she would have the audacity to utter, this one's for us.

This one's for the fellas who shed quiet tears behind closed doors in utter darkness. The ones who swore that they would never let the same hurt throb and claw at our hearts. We walked around with practiced smiles and uttered hollow laughter, we made every attempt with every fiber of our being to seem normal; to seem fine, yet the moment she stumbled back into our lives, we crumbled into her arms and hope to God that it's for real only to have her leave our side again.

Here's to the fellas who understand the hurt, who understand the pain. The ones who went through months of withdrawal from her presence and could finally say that the world was all as it should be once again, only to run into her and have our hearts plunge down below our stomachs. We lose our breath and the pain that we swore we would never feel again returns; only this time, it unleashes itself and the wounds that we thought had healed re-open and the scars feel like burning ashes-here's to us.

Here's to the ones who woulda moved mountains and carried the weight of the world on their shoulders because she wasn't able to even though she swore and profusely believed that she could. It wasn't that she was weak, it wasn't that she was incapable, it was because she didn't understand the gravity of what it meant to do so. We took on her mountains and her weight with a smile on our faces, we did it because we didn't mind doing so, because if we didn't, nobody else would. Yet after it was all said and done, she left, leaving only an explanation; a half-ass explanation that not only didn't appreciate but also undermined us. It stripped us of all our dignity and our pride. We sat there, after hearing what she had to say, in shock. Shocked that something so beautiful and, what we perceived to be, so strong could shatter and die in front of our very eyes yet have no power to do anything about it.

One day, we will stand back up, we will overcome the shadow of the day. We will find somebody that loves us for who we are, and feel as we feel and love as we love. We will be all that we should be and we will succeed because the more we live, the more we grow, the more we grow, the further we travel, after all, success is a journey, not a destination.

At one point or another in one's life you grow tired of all the drama, you grow sick of all the games, all the lies and bittersweet tears and the memories of all the love that once was. Some grow jaded, others grow tired, others grow bitter. But what do you do after a break up? I've heard everything from get another person to let time heal all. But this post isn't for me; this post also may not be my best work, but I'll try.

My heart is numb from the constant pain and wrenching heartache that refuse to cease. Our world was so perfect, my world was so sound, always so bright and sunny until that one fateful day. You ended it. You pulled the cord, and you ripped my heart from my chest and all that now remains is a concave abyss of nothingness. One day I was standing outside in the bright sunlight, my world a perfect utopia. And the next, I'm standing outside in the rain, my world completely shattered and all that I can do is sit there and watch as it shatters because picking up the pieces would mean cutting myself deeper than I've already been cut...

This goes out to that somebody who knows who she is. My heart goes out to you, you tell me you're doing well and getting over it smoothly, as much as I don't agree I don't pursue the topic. You've always been Ms. Independent; I don't understand why you act like everything's okay even when it's not. But I'm just gonna make this short and sweet since I've already talked this subject to death. I know what I want and need in a woman, I know what I look for; as it seems, you do as well.

It's simple and shouldn't be complicated, the truth oftentimes is simple and it is only us humans who complicate it. We complicate everything.

I want to be with you, I want to be the one who shows you what it really is. If he ain't gonna treat you right, I ain't gonna treat you wrong. I wanna be the one who picks you up when you fall, the one who stands by as you pick yourself back up because you probably will try and push me away if I try and help you up anyways. I want this and I'll fight for this. I don't care what it takes, I'll prove it. I don't want you right now, I want to stand close as you heal from this already forming scar and I want to be the one you lean on, the one whom you count on for support. I don't want to just be your man, I want to be your best friend. I want all these things, and it's partially for reasons in which I can't explain. It's just a gut feeling that's telling me to go for it. It's that certain "umph" you have that draws me to you. You said you're done with boys, I don't blame you. All you've dated thus far are boys, all you've known thus far are boys. Boys don't understand what it takes to hold down and keep a woman-men do. I've come a long way, and hopefully I'll be able to relay the entire journey of mine to you one day. But I've weathered through the storm and I've transformed into a man through a very tough journey. I don't only want to be the one that you run to, I want to be the one who helps you pick up to the pieces to your now shattered world and help you piece it back together because I've been cut all too deep before, I know the pain better than anybody. I know how it feels to have your entire reality shift because of one small thing that triggers a prompt which brings all the memories and pain of a love once had flooding uncontrollably back. It hits you like a wave and sends you almost as far back as where you were when you first went into the shock that he wasn't there anymore. I wanna help you pick up the pieces and put your world back together. Let me be that person. I'll wait though of course, till you're ready. Call it irrational, but since when have people done things rationally when they care so deeply for another? Rationality and emotions do not always coexist and in this instance, the two just don't mix.

I'll wait because you're worth it, because I see eye to eye with you when it comes to more than one thing. The biggest thing is that you believe in dating to get married. God how refreshing and good it felt to hear it coming from a woman's mouth. Yet all this is nothing but talk; nothing but whispers in a strong wind which we can never chase. Action will always speak louder than words; I won't tell you all the sweet things other boys have in the past, I won't promise you the world because I know that I'm not capable of giving you the world. I'm only capable of giving you and bringing you into my world, I can only promise that I'll try my utmost to be there for you when you feel as though the world has turned it's back on you. I don't call you gorgeous because that word reflects the physical beauty far too much. In my current state of being, I find that word far too shallow. I call you beautiful, because that's what you are to me. And right now, you are the perfect beautiful mess. Do what you have to do, I'll do what I have to do. But this won't be a Fergie deal, you won't have to meet me halfway. I don't want to say all the things that most males do at this point. I'll say what I think is necessary and at the end of the day, all I have to say is this:

I'll pick up the pieces and help you mend your world, I'll wait for you because even though you don't think you're worthy or worth it, I do. I won't let your past dictate your future, you deserve a man at his best and nothing less.

"Do you know how it feels to wake up every morning knowing that the love of your life is waking up to the wrong man, but all the while still wishing them happiness even if it's never gonna be with you?"

No, I don't, because she won't wake up to the wrong man...she'll wake up to me.

He sits in front of the computer, his thoughts mangled, his eyes drooping. The memories linger, and her touch seems to linger on his body. He stares ever exhaustively into the blank screen at the blinking cursor as if prompting him to begin and pour out his utmost deepest thoughts. Yet nothing comes to mind, not her face, not his feelings, nothing. She was something that meant the world to him, she meant so much-and in such a small amount of time. None of it made any logical, rational sense to him, it confused him and enticed him. Yet people were not made to be options, people-humans, long for companionship. He wanted her so badly, she was everything that he wanted-or so he thought. She had proved otherwise, he knew that she had pulled away because she was scared. He was everything that she wanted, yet she had pulled away; she had shut the door without opening it all the way. She tasted something so different that she had chosen to not like it even though it was what she said she wanted.

I'm so done with you, I ain't not option...if you can't see what it is, then you blind and you stupid. When you grow up and figure out that it's a real man you want, holla at me; till then:

I'm not an option, and if you make me such, then fuck you too

You threw me for a loop; maybe it was my fault, but maybe it was yours. I don't want you back, I don't you anymore. Was it really all an illusion? Did we get all too caught up in this whirlwind that we so falsely created? I hate how I'm feeling, I hate how you're not here right now, I hate that this bothers me more than you care to know. You told me that you'd prove that you're for real, you told me you'd show me what's good. And now? Now I sit here alone. I don't care to be self destructive with you as some sort of excuse so that I can go off and act like a boy. We had something good, something that I saw going somewhere. It's funny how you agreed to it going somewhere and then sometime down the line, YOU backed out, YOU said you weren't ready, YOU went back on your word. i don't hate you, I care about you too much to hate you. But I regret to say that no, we can't be friends, we can't start from scratch...I refuse to deny myself my own feelings. I learn something new about you everyday and everything I hear, I like. All the imperfections about you, I took them in stride, I saw your shine behind all the dirt and blemishes. I saw your silver lining.

I don't ever expect to be with you now, I don't expect the emotions I feel to be reciprocated. I don't expect anything. All I expect is for me to better myself and be somebody who I could never be. I wanna be better than the best I can be. You don't really matter anymore. I can't let myself let you matter...i have too much to do.

i still got love for you tho....